My daughter had incurable cancer, she's asked me to do something, just to get the experience before she goes.
Beth
I pulled my gloves off and tossed them into the cubbyhole next to where the axe stood, then slapped my hands together and brushed off the tiny bits of bark and wood that collected while I was chopping wood. My morning chores were done, I’d added to the cords of wood that would be used to heat the house for when winter would come in a few months.
I went inside to make a cup of coffee, and just in time, the light was getting less as the late morning clouds were starting to gather, I knew it would rain in less than an hour. Living in the valley of the forested mountains made the area rich in plant growth and animal life, it was also consistent for bringing the rain, so much so you could set your watch by it. Cup in hand I went back out to sit on the three-cushion couch on the porch that sat under the long and deep awning that brought some shelter while at the same time allowed you to see the property.
It was just a short while later when my daughter Beth came out of the front door wearing a pair of baggy shorts and a tee shirt, she had a light blanket draped over her shoulders. Despite the moisture cooled air, she was comfortable being barefoot. Her light brown hair was a little tousled from her pillow.
“Whatcha’ doing?”
I held my cup up to show her. “Sitting here and listening to the rain.”
“Can I join you?”
I raised my arm up to give her space to get in next to me and snuggle. She got herself situated and adjusted her blanket to cover her feet as she drew them up behind herself on the couch.
“How’s your morning?” I asked her.
“Can’t say yet, but I think it’ll be a good day.”
I hoped it would be. I felt for her and what she was going through. She had cancer. It was hereditary and the reason why her mother died not quite two years ago. It went through the women in their family, and with each generation it came sooner and hit harder. Beth’s mother was forty-two when she passed, her mother before her died in her fifties and the grandmother in her sixties. And now Beth, who would turn twenty in mid-November, was already plagued by the sickness and weakness that came with it. There was no cure, just the standard treatments of cobalt radiation and a full shopping list of pills that didn’t seem to do much for her than make her vomit for a few days straight when she started a new round of treatment. She had a few weeks before the next cycle was going to start and we’d have to go through it all over again.
“Coffee?” she queried.
“Yep.”
“Can I have some?”
She sat up a little as I handed her the cup. She took a sip then held the cup in both hands for a while before she took another taste and passed it back to me.
“That tastes different, what’d you do to it?”
“I put some mocha cappuccino mix in it instead of cream and sugar.”
“It’s good that way.”
“You want some?” I asked even though I knew it wasn’t recommended; the doctors wanted strict controls on her diet and coffee wasn’t on the approved list. I didn’t entirely care what they thought, I just wanted her to be able to appreciate what she could, while she could.
“Maybe later.” She smiled at the offer then put her head on my chest; it seemed only a minute before she fell asleep on me.
I held her close to me as she slept, and I thought about her short life. The cancer first showed signs in her sophomore year. It slowed her down and brought her social life to a near halt. I knew she had a few crushes on some boys that she found cute, and she got to go on a couple of dates but the boys didn’t have the patience to deal with her condition. They’d go out, maybe to a movie or for some food, but she’d have to come home early when her energy started flagging.
Her grades began to slip, her concentration was failing and she couldn’t always go to her classes. The school knew of her condition and allowed her to pass her grade to the next level, they didn’t believe that she’d make it as far as graduation but at least they had the consideration to keep her with her friends.
She did make it to the graduation ceremony. Because the region we lived in was so small in population, the entire student body of the four grades for high school combined was less than two hundred and fifty students. The entire school showed up for senior graduations. When it was her turn and her name was called, it was one of her hard days and she used a walker to assist getting up to the stage and they handed her an honorary diploma, everyone in attendance stood up and cheered her. I bit my quivering lip and a tear leaked out of the corner of my eye as they did; I appreciated their support for her.
After school was done, her number of friends shrank. The new batch of young adults were caught up in getting jobs, falling in love and exploring the things they discovered that were exciting and interesting to them. Less and less often did people come by to see Beth. After her mom passed, it left us at home, alone together.
I had just completed caring for my wife in her final stages of life and now I was starting to care for my daughter Beth as she began going through the same thing. I don’t think I ever had time to just sit down and grieve losing Marilyn, I didn’t want to detract from my support for my daughter as she dealt with the shock of her condition and the needs that came with that situation. I held back my anguish so I’d be able to give everything I could to Beth.
We had a routine, at least on days when her energy wasn’t sapped. We’d speed through the videos from the outside cams to see who our nocturnal visitors were. We commented on the different animals that came across the property, possums and other critters, coyote’s and deer, there was a juvenile bear that came through on occasion, as well as a mountain lion. We took to giving them names based on their looks and behaviors. She liked one raccoon in particular and named him ‘Bandit’ for his darked eyed mask and his tendency to break into the trash can for scraps.
We played games, talked and laughed, and occasionally went into town to see a movie or get a favorite meal for her. I knew there were times when she looked wistful as she watched groups of kids her age that were hanging out and talking with excited voices as they speculated their futures, but she never said anything about it.
We sat on the couch one night, watching a new movie that was highly rated and popular with the masses. A scene came on where the leading man and lady shared a passionate moment. I heard a wet sniff, and when I turned to look at her, there was a tear in her eye.
“You okay?”
She gave me a soft reply, “Yeah.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment or two then she followed up with an observation that turned into a question, “I’m never going to have that, am I..?”
What could I say? If I told her that she was correct, it would only compound the sense of loss she felt about something she would never have. And I certainly wasn’t going to lie to her and give her false hopes about something that truly was unlikely to happen. I put my arm around her and held her tight.
A few days later, she came to me with a request, “Dad, I want to go on a date.”
“Yeah? You find a guy online that you like?”
“No. I want to go on a date with you. We can got out to dinner, and spend some time to be close with each other. Would you do that with me?”
To say I was stunned would have been an understatement. I knew what I heard, but I wasn’t really sure of the full scope of her request as I didn’t know what ‘being close’ meant to her. A date night would be fine, I could take her to a nice restaurant.
“I didn’t get to go to prom dad, I really want to dress up and look nice for you.”
I knew her wardrobe, she didn’t have anything like she was implying.
“You having a good day today?”
“I think so, why?”
“We need to go shopping to get you some clothes, put your shoes on.”
I skipped stopping in town and headed to the neighboring city about thirty miles away where there was a large shopping mall. Our town was too small to have what I wanted to get for her, the stores around us were all stocked with functional and practical clothing, and the most popular store was the resale shop.
In the mall she took my arm as we walked, occasionally she would lean on me and I’d stop until I knew she was ready to move on. I found a high-end clothing store that met my interests and asked her to sit outside.
“May I help you sir?”
“No, but you can help my daughter, she’s approaching the final stage of an illness that will take her, and she wants to go out for a nice night. I want her to look and feel as beautiful as she can be, from undergarments to a gown. In fact, get her a gown and a dress or skirt that falls to about mid-thigh, with a form fitting top. Oh, and shoes, put her in some heels to match her outfits. Cost isn’t the concern here, I want her to shine.”
I went out and offered Beth a hand to rise, then guided her into the store and handed her off to the attendant. I went outside and waited until I saw the sales person waving me in.
Beth was beaming and she showing a smile that wasn’t going to quit. “Dad, you have got to see these clothes.”
“I will, but not until our date, okay?”
On the way out I spotted a jewelry store and decided I’d be coming back later.
“Ohhh, French toast and blueberries, what’s the special occasion?” Beth wondered at seeing her favorite breakfast on the table.
“Well, it’s date night, but that doesn’t mean we have to wait until dark to enjoy ourselves.”
She blushed and smiled at my response.
“You want some coffee with that?” I asked her.
“Only if you fix it with some mocha, like you did before.”
Sounded good to me, so I made a cup for myself as well, “Have you given any thought to what you might like for dinner?”
“Surprise me.”
After she ate, she went to take a nap, and I made reservations at an upscale restaurant in the same town as the shopping mall.
“How long will it take you to get ready?”
“Oh I don’t know, maybe thirty minutes.”
Thirty minutes. In ‘girl time’ that meant an hour and a half. “We have reservations at seven, we need to leave here by six-twenty at the latest.”
She looked at the clock, it was almost four now, “Let me go do some things.”
I didn’t see her again until six, and when I did, I did a double take and caught my breath. The girl that was standing before me couldn’t be my daughter Beth. There was a stunning woman there wearing a stylish, deep blue, ankle length gown that hugged her body and accentuated her curves. One side was split up to mid-thigh, and with the heels she was wearing that made her taller than I was used to seeing, the dress really showed off what I could see of her legs. Her hair was neatly done and it flowed with loose curls that spilled down over her spaghetti strapped shoulders. I couldn’t recall the last time I saw her in make-up, her mascara defined and lengthened her lashes, and the dark eyeliner accentuated her eyes and gave her a regal look. Subtle eyeshadow brought out her allure that was hidden before. She held a clutch purse that matched the color of her gown. She was poised, and she held herself with a stature that expressed confidence and femininity. I realized that I was staring at her.
“What do you think?” she asked.
“I think that my heart has stopped twice and that I still can’t believe what I’m seeing.
She showed me a soft smile, “I wanted to dress up for my date. Do you like it?”
“I love it. You’re stunning.”
Beth blushed lightly at the compliment.
“But your outfit is missing something. Here, this is for you.”
I was wearing a sleek black suit and tie that was designed to fit me and give me a trim look. I reached into my vest pocket and drew out a long jewelry case. I held it out to her and opened it so she could see the necklace inside, it had a stylish silver chain that was fitted with a filigreed pendant that glittered when it turned in the light from an arrangement of stone fitted around its outer edge. When she reached out to take it I saw her nails were freshly done, I began to wonder how she pulled all this off in only two hours.
“Dad, this is beautiful.”
“Let me put it on you.”
She raised her hair in the back so I could fasten the clasp.
Outside she looked a little surprised when I walked around to her side of the car, then she realized what was going on when I opened the door for her and held out my hand for her support if needed.
I took the ticket from the valet then went around to get the door for Beth again. The restaurant sat on the coast of the ocean and you could smell the sand and the sea air. As we walked through the doors that were held open for us I commented, “Don’t be surprised if you hear sirens while we eat, I think some people are going to snap their necks from trying to see you.”
She blushed and shyly giggled. I put my hand on the small of her back and guided her in.
At our table I held her chair for her and aided her in seating, as I moved to my place the maître d’ was happening by and he regarded me with a look of disdain. He spoke to me with an arrogant voice that held a bit of a sneer, “Trophy wife?”
I caught his arm and he looked offended that I dared to touch him. I spoke quietly, but it was obvious that I was angered by his condescending remark. “That’s my daughter, she dying of cancer and this could very well be her last and only chance to go out for a good night.”
His eyes widened, he bowed slightly and made an apology that I actually believed was sincere.
“Dad, this menu doesn’t have any prices on it.”
I laughed a little and told her, “Yeah, they do that in places that overcharge you for the food and drinks.” I was pretty sure the meals were going to be at least fifty dollars a plate, but it would be worth it.
Beth ordered a chicken piccata that came on a bed of delicate linguine pasta noodles. It was served with capers, and artichoke hearts, and it was smothered in a buttered lemon sauce. I order a steak and lobster dish that the restaurant was known for serving. We both ordered sparkling water to drink. Our first service was a warm, yeasty, thin crusted bread, and a salad that was blessed with a seasoned oil and red vinegar dressing that fully enhanced the mix of fresh, crisp greens.
When our food arrived, it was served by two waiters that had pressed, white linen napkins folded over their forearms, they asked if everything appeared to be to our satisfaction. I gave them thanks and they bowed and left. The maître d’ rolled a cart to our table that hosted a bottle of champagne on ice. He set a couple of flutes on the table then did a dramatic display of removing the foil that went over the top of the bottle, followed by the twisted wire cage that held the cork in. He drew what looked to be a stylish, sixteen-inch-long knife, or very short saber, from a sheath at his side and slid it up the bottle once and drew it back, then, with a quick motion he removed the top of the bottle and the cork together, letting the liquid that gushed out spill into the bucket of ice. Beth’s eyes widened at the showy exhibition. He poured the champagne and set the bucket in the center of the table, in case we chose to have more, “My apologies sir if there have been any misunderstandings. Allow us to provide you this beverage that we believe will enhance your meals.”
“I appreciate your consideration, I’m sure it will be excellent, thank you.”
He showed me an accepting smile, and nodded respectfully to Beth.
“What was that about?” Beth asked with some surprise.
“He made a slightly derisive comment when we came in, the champagne was his apology.”
“Wow.” She looked at the little bubbles that clung to the sides of the thin-stemmed glass that was almost full of a pale golden liquid, then she looked at me.
I knew what her silent question was, she wasn’t legally old enough to drink. I nodded to her in way that expressed my approval and my one raised brow indicated that she wanted to try this.
She took a sip and described her appreciation, “That’s really goood…”
We enjoyed our meals, they were well cooked and flavorful. I noticed Beth eyeing my lobster as I ate, I knew she’d never had it before and asked if she wanted to try it, when she admitted her interest I cut off a section and fed it to her.
“Oh, I like that, I’m getting it next time.”
She returned the favor by letting me try her chicken, I found that I liked her meal as well.
“Maybe we should just change seats,” I teased.
As we ate I noticed more than one man stealing glances at Beth, and there were a couple of women that had jealous looks for her as well. When we finished, the desert cart came to tempt us into having just one more thing, we both ***********ed a rich, chilled, crème brûlée that was topped with a caramelized sugar crust.
I smirked to myself when I got the bill, it was just over two hundred dollars. I saw the champagne was listed at one fifty a bottle, but it rang up as no charge. I signed the bill and added a twenty percent tip.
I asked Beth if she was up for a short walk and she smiled. I guided her to a side exit that would allow us to go down and see the waterfront. We took to the boardwalk, I was pretty sure her heels wouldn’t fare well in the sand of the beach. I put my arm around her as we walked and she matched my embrace.
“Enjoying your night?” I asked.
“Yes, this place is beautiful.”
“Only because you’re here.”
If you could hear a blush, it would have drowned out the sound of the waves rolling in at the beach. She showed me a smile of appreciation and turned so she could put her arms around me. I returned the sharing of being close. We stood together and I gently swayed side to side with her like teenagers during a slow song during a high school dance.
I took the long way home, following the coastline road that threaded its way through a number of tourist towns, giving us something to look at other than the view from the freeway that passed through broad fields and occasionally a truck stop at the intersections of some main roads that ran off in another direction. We laughed at some of the places that were done up to be eye catchers and bring in visitors to spend their money, and we made considerations of visiting some of the themed restaurants that could offer a relaxed atmosphere and a lot of options for seafood choices.
I pulled up to the house with the car turned to the side, and left it running. I opened her door for her and walked her to the porch at the front door.
“It’s been a wonderful night,” I told her.
She smiled and looked like she was waiting for something. I gave her a questioning look.
“Are you going to kiss me goodnight?”
I hesitated before giving I gave her a soft kiss.
“I meant a real kiss.”
I was having a hard time with that point. Since the time she asked about us going on a date I learned what she meant by being ‘close with each other’, she was hoping to have sex, and that was something that never once entered my mind to be a thing we would do together. She was my daughter, a person that I would raise and guide to prepare her for getting out into the world and having her own family. Except that was the problem, she was never going to make it that far. We measured time in different ways, and her clock was about to run out. I recalled the dates she’d been on before and how she came home early and never got any more phone calls for another. This was something she wanted to experience before her time ran out and she was asking me to be the person to share it with her. I was torn, I wanted to be the best father I could be with her and at the same time I wanted her to experience as much as she could before she was gone too soon. A kiss wouldn’t be too bad, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to go any further than that.
I leaned into her and held her snug as I brought my mouth to hers. I gave her more soft kisses and I could feel that she wanted more. I opened my mouth and she matched my motion, our tongues came together and we gently probed and touched one another in our mouths. She held me tight as I ran the flat palm of my hand from her shoulders to back but nothing further than that. I felt her giving in, melting into the moment. It scared me and I started to pull back but she clung to me, wanting a little more. When I felt her lightening her embrace, I backed off the kiss and pulled her head to my shoulder.
“A perfect way to end a perfect night.” I told her. “Go inside now, I need to park the car.”
I pulled the car into the garage and just sat there as I swam in the depths of my stress, I’d just kissed my daughter in a semi-romantic manner and I was feeling uncomfortable about it. Sex hadn’t been on my mind for roughly four years, which was the last time I was close with my wife Marilyn; after that she was too ill for us to do that again. After she passed, I was back in the routine of caring for my daughter as the illness began taking her over. Other than a couple of times in the shower to manage my own urges, I hadn’t even thought about meeting a woman to share a moment with her, and I never, ever, considered Beth as a potential partner. But now she wanted to know that moment. It wasn’t a giggling girl fantasy that she shared with her friends as they hid in the corner of a school hallway. it was a genuine wanting to know the feeling so she could understand this special thing that could be shared with another person, a man. And she asked me to be that person. I wanted to give her everything I could, and allow her whatever she wanted before her time ran out, but…
I knew I had to go into the house. I couldn’t leave her there alone, potentially questioning her interests as something that was going to be a problem, even though it was.
When I got inside she was waiting for me, still looking as beautiful as when I first saw her a handful of hours ago. She had a broad smile and her eyes were fixed on mine as she hoped I would reciprocate the interests that she had. I reached out and took her hands and kissed each of them. She wanted to swoon at the gesture. I put my arms around her and held her.
“Daddy, are you going to take me to bed?”
“Are you tired?” I was concerned that our time out had worn heavily on her and she was suffering from it, a habit of my caring for her condition.
“Not at all.” There was a suggestive sound to her voice.
I tensed up a little, I was caught up in the quandary of having not committed to giving her a definitive yes or no answer.
“But I thought we shared a goodnight kiss.” I tried to evade going further.
“Dad,” her voice was soft, and maybe a bit forlorn, “I really want this, before….”
I got a quick idea, “On the first date? I think we need to go out at least one more time before…, you know.”
I don’t think she wanted to, but she accepted my proposition. She turned her head down and came away from me, then moved as she headed to her room.
“Wait,” I told her. I held my hand out to her then led her to the couch as she took it. I sat down and guided her to where she could sit on my lap and let me cradle her in my arms. We’d done this before, but it was because she was weak from her illness and I wanted to be able to comfort and hold her as she slept across my chest.
She settled into me after making a couple of adjustments so her gown wasn’t pulling against her. Normally I would hold her as she was wrapped up in a cocoon of a blanket, this time she had one arm behind my back so she could bring her hand up to rest on my shoulder at the neck. I used my free hand to brush her hair back from her face then lightly caressed her cheek with my fingertips. She laid across me and soaked up every bit of that sensation that she could. After a few moments, I turned her face to meet mine and I kissed her, a deep, lingering, sensual kiss. I felt her melt as she fully relaxed and gave herself to me.
I kept up with the kiss, and the light touches over her face, then I moved my hand down to feel her bare shoulder. I slid my hand down to touch the back of her arm, then went further down and put my hand over her breast. She immediately pressed into me and brought her mouth tighter to mine to show her desire for more. I cupped her breast and ran the side of my thumb over the top and felt the nipple on her breast firm up from the touch through the smooth fabric of her dress.
“Ohhh…” she let out a soft, pleasurable moan.
I didn’t let my hand stray any further, but I did keep it on her as I pulled back from the kiss and I saw she was gazing into my eyes.
“I love you Beth.” I squeezed her breast gently, then teased her nipple a little.
“I love you too daddy.”
I let my hand fall away from her then I put it behind her so I could hug her.
“Are we good here?”
“Yes…” a soft voice, almost a whisper, but it had the sound of passion in it.
I let her rise, then I got up to give her one last hug, “You mean a lot to me, I’m trying to do everything I can to care for you.”
“I know dad.”
I held her hand as we went down the hall, we parted when we got to our separate bedrooms.
“Have a good night honey.” I told her.
She showed me a gentle smile, “I will.”
I got into bed and listened to the sounds of her in her room. There was a baby monitor in there that allowed her to call me when she needed help as there were times she was so weak that she couldn’t make enough of a sound to catch my attention without it. I could tell she was undressing, and I heard her get into bed.
A few minutes later I could hear her moving around, I figured she was adjusting herself to settle in but then I heard the crush of the carpet beneath her feet as she came to my door.
“Beth, are you okay?” I looked to where she stood, in the scant light I could see she was wearing a tee shirt and her loose boxer shorts that made up her sleepwear.
“Yeah, I just…”
She went to the other side of my bed, raised the covers and got in with me, she worked her way over to lay next to me, then she put her arm across my chest and one thigh over mine.
“I just needed to be near you.”
I got my arm under her and pulled her near. She put her head on my chest and relaxed. I could tell that she wasn’t wearing a bra under her tee shirt.
“Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
“Everything. I know you do a lot for me, just like you did for mom. I think it’s been a sacrifice on your part and that no one has ever really thanked you for that.”
It was true, and the reality of her saying that to me hit me deep. I felt myself swallow hard as tears began to roll down both of my cheeks as I laid on my back. I had forced myself to give up a lot of things so I could be free to care for these two women in my family as they suffered their trials of life. For four years I had been on high alert, ready to rush to either of them as there was anything they needed. I kept myself quiet.
Beth brought herself up to kiss my cheek and she felt the wet trail of my tears on her lips.
“You’re such a special man, you have given so much. Life hasn’t been any more fair to you than it has been to us.”
I laid there in the darkness and felt the cutting emotional pain as she described the reality of my own situation.
“It’s been hard. Hard to watch the women I love going through their pain and knowing that they would be taken from me.”
She tensed her arm as she pulled at me to give me a half hug.
“Dad?”
“Yeah honey?”
“I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“For what I asked you to do with me, I think that it’s been difficult for you too.”
“It has been.” I confessed. “You’re my daughter, and I never thought of you that way before.”
“I know. You’re a good dad, you’ve been doing the right things with me, even when you had to put me in the bath.”
She was referring to the couple of times that she called for me in the middle of the night, I went into her room to find her shaking and in a cold sweat, so much so that her tee shirt, shorts and even her sheets were soaked as she quivered. Her chemo meds could affect her in any number of ways, from making her wanting to vomit for an hour straight, or leaving her weak and limp, or to having another broken and painful night of interrupted sleep.
I ran a warm bath for her and carried her into the bathroom. She asked me to remover her clothing, it was going to have to come off her anyhow. I got her out of her tee shirt, shorts and panties and into the warm water. I set her onto a long sponge pillow that would support her back and head and prevent her the discomfort of laying directly on the hard tub. Once she was situated I ran and changed her sheets, then I came back with a clean washcloth and ran it over her body, raising her arms or bending her knees to get all of her while carefully working my way around her breasts and groin. There was nothing sexual about seeing her nude, I was just doing what I could to care for her. As she came back to a comfortable level, I got her out and wrapped her in an oversized towel and carried her to her room. I had fresh clothes for her, but she refused them and just wanted to be in bed. I knelt next to her with an arm across her and my hand on her shoulder until I knew she was asleep again.
I remembered those times, and I knew there was likely more of them to be coming. It hurt me to see her in pain.
“Dad?”
“Yeah, honey.”
“Do you know why I asked you?”
“Hmm.”
“Because we love each other and I know you would be gentle with me and let me know what it’s really like. I couldn’t think of anyone better to do that with, and I didn’t want to go into town just to meet some stranger.”
I understood her rationale, in her mind it made sense, even though it was a different kind of love. “I love you honey. Go to sleep.”
When I woke in the morning she was still laying partially across me. I slipped out of bed, knowing that she slept hard and wouldn’t feel me leaving. I pulled the blankets back up to cover her and bent down to put a kiss on her temple before going out to make some coffee.
Beth followed in into the kitchen a short while later.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you for letting me sleep next to you.”
“Are you hungry?”
“Famished, I want the rest of my chicken if you don’t mind.”
Half of her dinner came home with us, her appetite fluctuated. More often than not, I had to feed her smaller meals five or six times a day to keep her energy levels up.
I set her reheated food in front of her and she raised the question, “So, when’s out next date?”
“Uhhh…”
“Dad, we can’t wait too long. I start those new meds next week and I don’t know what they’re going to do to me.”
“Alright.” I acquiesced to her comment even though I wasn’t still fully committed to doing this with her. I’d wrestle with my demons when she wasn’t around.
“Where are you going to take me?” she asked. “I liked that one restaurant we saw on the way home.”
“Not telling,” I teased her, “you asked me to surprise you so…”
She blushed and giggled a little before asking, “When?”
“Friday.” It was three days away, I practically hoped for some random crisis to happen in the meantime to thwart the plan. “And you’ll need to get some extra sleep that day, it’s going to be a late night.”
“You’re going to make me wait that long?”
“There’s one other thing for you to learn, anticipation builds the moment.”
“Mmph.” she didn’t sound wholly convinced.
Over the next couple of days, I saw something different in her, she seemed more relaxed, and there were times that she casually brushed my arm or shoulder as we passed by each other. I had to admit that I missed those kinds of touches.
I procrastinated making a solid decision about what to do with her. It wasn’t until Friday that I really started to put myself to task. I knew something about myself when it came to having a drink or two and how it would make me feel. Whenever I drank some beer I really, really wanted to go down on my wife. She knew it too and more than once she’d bring me a beer after dinner. I’d chuckle at her and would drink the one she got me, then I’d get up for another. But if I drank vodka… omg I wanted to lay on her like there was nothing else in the world. Despite the fact that I’d have to drive, I decided to have a couple of drinks while we were out.
I wore a casual jacket and slacks. I was waiting in the living room and she came out to meet me and I was stunned again at what I saw. She was wearing a snug, sleeveless black dress that only went down to the top of her thighs, the top was lower than the one on her gown and she was showing more cleavage than before. I noticed where her bra straps just peeked out from behind the straps of her dress, that must have been what brought her breasts closer together to show off her cleavage. I had to admit it was appealing to see. Her heels really made her legs look good, and her hair was pulled straight back and gathered in a bun at her neck. She was wearing the necklace that I bought for her.
“I’ve got something for you.”
“Oh yeah?” she sounded chipper.
I presented her with another jewelry case and she opened it to find a glittering bracelet that matched the design of her necklace.
She was beaming, and I didn’t think her broad smile was going to fade.
I opened the car door for her, she had to raise her knees together to get in because the dress didn’t allow for a lot of freedom of motion. I saw that she was wearing matching bra and panties.
It was another drive to get to the coastal city where we went to the mall and had dinner our first night out. I took her to a place called ‘Louisiana Blues’ that was a combination of Cajun style food and jazz club, they didn’t open until 8 pm and the band didn’t come on until 10. Despite their late hours they were always packed, I made reservations a few days ago to assure we’d get a table.
I ordered oyster shots and calamari for appetizers, the shots were basically a shelled oyster with a dab of seafood sauce, bathed in vodka and served in a jigger glass. The drinks came first, but the waiter kept them on the tray and he asked for I.D. Beth had a worried look when she glanced over to me. I rose up and talked to the man quietly, explaining that she was my daughter, and about her condition and that she wasn’t going to make to be twenty-one. “I just want her to have a good night out while she can.”
He glanced down at the one-hundred-dollar bill that I pressed into his hand, then asked her for I.D. again. I felt let down by his request. She handed it to him and then he asked for mine too. I flipped my wallet open so he could see. Then I realized what he was doing, he was checking my story. After seeing the same last name and address, he handed her license back and told her ‘Happy Birthday’. I gave him a nod of gratitude.
Beth held the short glass up and looked it over, “How do you drink this?”
“All at once,” I told her, “just pick it up and toss it back.”
She did, though she held the oyster in her mouth a moment to get a feel for the taste and texture of it before she swallowed. She smacked her lips a couple of times. “Hey, that’s pretty good, I like it.”
“You want another?”
“Okay.”
I held my empty glass up for the waiter to see and nodded my head while pointing to the both of us. This time he brought five of them over, two for each of us, and one that he handed to her, “This one’s on me.”
I cautioned her to pace herself, I didn’t think she’d had hard alcohol before and I didn’t want her to actually get drunk, I only wanted enough for her to get a buzz. She downed the drink from the waiter and let the other two sit.
Beth ordered a gumbo dish and I requested the jambalaya. I asked for a vodka martini to drink and she wanted a cola. As we waited for the food to be prepared the band started to set up. Our dishes arrived just as the first mellow note of the trumpet floated across the air.
The patrons at the tables kept their conversations hushed as the quartet played, some of their chairs turned so they could watch the group. The trumpet player was obviously the front man, he was skilled in his craft. He was backed up by an upright bass, an electronic keyboard, and a drummer with a moderate sized drum kit; for this soft and mellow song he was playing with brushes instead of sticks.
Beth tasted her gumbo and immediately raised her head, eyes widened as she nodded her appreciation. The jambalaya was no less flavorful. The portions were sizeable, neither of us could finish all that was served, we’d have some tasty reminders of them tomorrow. At some point during the meal, noticed that one of her oyster shots disappeared. I felt that I should match her, but I was holding back for a reason, I planned to finish my martini and down both shots just before we left so my vodka fueled bravado wouldn’t disappear before we got home.
The band changed up the tempo and the energy in the room rose to meet it. Beth was honestly enjoying the dinner and the atmosphere. She was smiling often and at one point she reached over to squeeze my hand. After I while I jutted my chin toward her last shot and I signaled the waiter for the check. I signed the bill and added twenty five percent to thank the young man for his discretion and consideration. Then I drank my two shots and drained my glass.
When she got into the car, I saw her panties again and I felt that familiar vodka induced urge to take them off of her. Good, maybe I could follow through on her request of being with her and not end up feeling too guilty about it. I may have tested the speed limit a few times on the way home, no scenic cruise this time, I didn’t want to lose my impetus.
I parked in the garage and held her hand as we casually strolled to the front door. Inside we kicked off our shoes, I hung up my jacket and saw she had an expectant look for me. I took her face, tilted it up, gave her a deep kiss, and with far more energy than before.
“Mmmm…” she gave into me and the energy of the moment as her passion ignited.
She let me run my hands over her, and even through the fabric of her dress and the material of her bra she liked when I felt her breast. I let both hands drop so I could take her hips and pull her against me. I moved a little so she was almost straddling my thigh when I drew her in close again. I felt her rate of breathing increase as her excitement rose.
I pulled back from her and took her hand, “C’mon.”
I took her into my bedroom. She stood there, her face showing a mix between doe eyed wonder and passionate desire.
“What do we do now?” she asked in a soft voice.
“We’re going to take our clothes off.”
She reached up to catch her zipper but I caught her wrists and held her back from going any further. “Let me do that.” I found the little metal tab and took it down slowly. She brought her arms straight down as I pulled the straps over her shoulders and let her dress slip off for her to step out of. I looked at her in her matching bra and panties and mused that she should have been an underwear model.
I took off my shirt and tee, and then her bra; her nipples stood out in excitement. I pulled her close to me and let her feel the soft warmth of skin on skin.
“Do you like this?” I asked.
“Yes I do.” She got her arms around me and hugged me tighter to get a bit more of this new sensation.
I undid my pants and as I stepped out of them I pulled my socks off. I knelt down and tugged at the elastic of her panties, she caught her breath but stood still for me to take them all the way down. After she stepped out of them, I pulled her to me and put my mouth on her and slid my tongue between the folds of her flesh to just touch that sensitive button that sat above where she was wet.
“Ohhh…” She put her hands on my held and held me there, so I pushed my tongue onto her again. I got up before she was too lost in the wet sensation.
I broke her hold on me and picked her up and laid her on the bed.
“Do you want me to move over?” she asked. “This is your spot.”
“It’s still my spot, but we’re both going to be in it.”
I dropped my boxers, but she didn’t get much of a chance to look at me because I crawled over her to lay next to her. I kissed her again, and I kept my mouth on her as I touched her face then started to let my hand stray down her body to her hip, I held there a moment and the moved to touch her.
She was wet, and deeply so. I felt the heat of her sex and her slick anticipation. I’d been beginning to firm up since I saw her in her underwear and now I was fully erect. Her legs parted for me as I moved to get over her. I just got the head of my penis up against her to feel her warmth and wetness and I realized how much I missed this feeling. I wanted more, I wanted to be in her.
When I penetrated her, she sucked in her breath and almost immediately had an orgasm. I held still in her as she felt the result of us joining and sharing.
“That’s good honey, I want you to feel that. Take it easy we’ll do that some more.”
She let me kiss her, and while we shared that kiss I pressed into her.
“Ohhh…” the soft moan of the discovery of pleasure.
I moved slowly as I was with her and in her. I broke the kiss and she turned her head to the side and closed her eyes as she fell deep into the sensations of new feelings in new places in her body. I kept at her, letting her feel everything that could come from us being together. Once I felt the tension starting to build in her, I started moving with more energy.
She moaned and began to arch her back. She started rising up to meet me and I kept penetrating her wet, warm depth. Her moment was coming, and so was mine. She pushed into me hard and I matched her thrust and we came together.
I fell onto her and held her as she lay there panting, she struggled to talk, “I… never… guessed it… could be… like that…”
“Lay still honey, just feel it.”
“Did you…?”
“Yes, I did.”
She brought her head to my shoulder. “I needed that, I really needed that.”
I rolled us over so she was on top of me, working to keep us together as we got into a new position. I felt her fully relax as she laid on me and murmured into my chest.
“Can we…?”
I already knew what she was asking, “Let’s just enjoy this moment before we worry about the next one.” I stayed in her until gravity finally took over and I slipped out of her as my erection went down.
After a while she moved off of me and laid close. I held her as she fell asleep. I found that my stress after the fact was non-existent, she deeply appreciated our sharing. I considered that I came inside of her, but I was confident that she couldn’t get pregnant. Her meds all but eliminated her periods and a single box of tampons would last six months.
Beth found me in the kitchen as I was brewing a cup of coffee. She came next to me and snuggled some and gave me thanks for the night before.
“You want some gumbo for breakfast?”
She laughed a little and suggested maybe later, she asked me if I wanted some eggs.
“Sure, I’ll make some toast while you’re cooking.”
As we ate she reached over to squeeze my arm but didn’t say anything. Love and appreciation didn’t always need words.
That evening she suggested we finish our dinners from the night before, she set the plates as I reheated our meals in the carry home containers. We just began to eat when she got up and went to the cabinet.
“Something is missing here.”
She came back with a bottle of vodka and a couple of shot glasses and I smirked.
She looked at me and asked, “Would you…?”
“Yes, I’d like to do that with you again.”
She gave me what I could best describe to be a playful kiss.
We hung out on the couch for a while as we watched some generic movie, we teased each other and laughed and played. I made to pinch her a couple of times and she jumped back and giggled. After a while, she grabbed my hand and held it, she glanced down the hall and looked back to me. I nodded my head and she was instantly on her feet, she tugged at me to get me up.
I remembered the first time I had sex and how eager I was to do it again as soon as possible. And now here she was, going through the same thing. My worries over the situation evaporated after we shared each other. I saw exactly how important it was to her, and I wasn’t the type to feel regret, we did what we did and there was no going back to change that. I also enjoyed seeing her throughout the day, smiling, and with more of a spring in her step. I hadn’t seen her do that in quite a while, but it also made me sad to think that it wasn’t going to last long, her next round of chemo was near and so was the end of her days. She didn’t see it when I shed a tear at that thought. If this was what genuinely made her happy, then I was going to let her smile while she still could.
We got into my bedroom and her clothes were gone before I was even two steps in.
“Are we in a rush?”
Her giggle turned into a mirthful laugh, “I’m just excited.”
“I can see that.”
I took my shirt and tee off then reached over to flick the light switch.
“Dad, wait,” I saw her flash a glance at my groin before she finished, “can I, uh, see you?”
It was an unexpected but reasonable request. I stripped off the rest of my clothes and stood still for her. I was already partially firm from knowing what we were about to do, again. She looked me over, turning from side to side to see what she could. At one point she gently lifted me to see my scrotum, then before I realized what she was doing, she raised me up and took me into her mouth. Hard quickly replaced firm, she kept me there longer than I expected and I asked her to back off.
“Honey, that feels good, but if you don’t let me go then I’m going to lose control and you won’t get anything for an hour or two.”
She quickly got me out of her mouth, and she was fascinated to see me standing out in front of her face with a full erection.
Beth moved around and got to where she was laying down, “Come get on me.”
“Oh, you think that I’m that easy?”
I left the light on and got onto the bed next to her, gently taking her face and turning her to look at me. She may have expected things to go the way they did the night before but that wasn’t what I had planned, I pressed my mouth against hers, hard. I forced my tongue into her mouth and tried to capture her tongue. I trapped one of her legs beneath mine and reached down to cup her pubic mound, as soon as she raised up I got a finger into her and started working it in and out of her. I was deliberate in my motions, and I made sure to press up and hit her g spot. The slow, sensual lingering moments were gone. I wasn’t just going to have sex with her, I was going to fuck her. She’d wanted to learn about having sex, this was part of it.
She started reacting with equal energy, twisting herself beneath me to get my finger as deep as possible into her, and she returned my kiss with equal fervor. She pulled at me a couple of times, not to hug me but in attempt to get me onto her, I felt her other leg move away as I began to mount her.
I was barely into her when I gave her a full thrust and went deep. She moaned and raised her hips for me as I pulled back and pushed into her again. I gazed into her eyes and watched her expression change from curiosity and surprise to excitement and lust. I saw the fire in her eyes as my actions took her to her core.
We wrestled with each other, wrapping, pulling, twisting and pushing into each other. I got my hand on her breast and pinched her nipple. When I pulled back from kissing her she got her arms behind my neck and drew me back.
When we finally came with each other, she fell back panting, “I… didn’t know… it could be… like that either…”
I told her to get under the blankets, I got up long enough to turn off the light then we snuggled each other to sleep.
When I woke at dawn, morning wood was in full swing. I nudged Beth until she stirred.
“What is it dad?”
“Do you want to?”
“Do you want to?” she echoed.
I found her hand and put it on me, she snickered when she felt my condition. She started to roll onto her back but I stopped her.
“Oh, no, no, no. You think I’m going to do all the work? Get on top of me and get me into you.”
Her eyes flared from her interest, she wanted to try it. She got on top of me and guided me into her, then she laid on me and began to move. I let her get a feel for things before making a suggestion.
“Try sitting on me, you’ll like how you can press down.”
She did exactly that and I could feel her tension building quickly. She started to arch her back then she fell forward and collapsed on me.
“Help, dad I need help.”
I was immediately attentive to her, I rolled to get her onto her back as I pulled out of her, “What do you need?
“Tee shirt, shorts. Get my blanket, just wrap me up and hold me.” she sounded breathless.
I got her things and dressed her, then I got her blanket around her and cradled her.
“I’m so sorry honey.”
“Not your fault dad… I liked it…, I want to do it that way again… when I feel better.”
Feeling better didn’t happen for three days, and that was when we were due to see her doctors again.
“How has it been for her?” Doctor Flarin asked.
“The usual roller coaster, good days and bad.”
“Well, as we mentioned during your last visit, we’ve got something new. There’s been promise in the initial trials but nothing conclusive yet. Reduced side effects for some of the patients and several of them went into remission. They had different kinds of cancer though, we don’t know how it’s going to work for her. The pharmaceutical lab wants to take her on as a study volunteer because her cancer is unique. You’re going to want to do that because the first treatment costs eighteen thousand dollars. You’re going to have to sign some waivers to get into the program, plus, you’ll need government permission to take the drugs. I’ll get you the authorization and have the meds shipped to your pharmacy. They’ll call you in a couple of days when the shipment arrives.”
Because Beth was a legal adult, she signed the papers, mostly legal gobbledygook saying the drug company wouldn’t be liable for any problems. We already knew standard treatments weren’t going to work, it seemed like it was worth a try. We had nothing to lose, there was already a black marker on her patient file.
It took four days for the pharmacy to call, and Beth was going through a series of bad days. I stayed close to her and even had a day where I had to spoon feed her and later carry her to the bathroom.
“There’s twenty-one pills here,” the pharmacist began describing the procedure for taking the drugs.” You go seven days on then seven days off. At the end of six weeks, you need to see the oncologist again.”
Beth took her first dose, it was a cocktail of drugs all wrapped up in one large pill, there didn’t appear to be an immediate effect. On the morning of the third day, she got out of bed to vomit, I followed her into her bathroom to hold her hair back. When she finished her heaving I gave her some water.
“Here, rinse your mouth and spit then drink what you can so you have something to throw up when it hits again.”
Vomiting became the morning routine throughout the first regimen and a couple of days after, during her week without the pills she began to recover her vigor.
“Dad, can we go on a lunch date?”
I was surprised to hear her request and happy that she could ask. “Anywhere in particular?”
“We can go into town, maybe get some ribs or barbeque chicken.”
“Sounds like a craving, let’s go.”
She came back out of her room wearing jean and a white top, I called her out on that, “You’re wearing white for barbeque?”
She looked at her top then looked at me and winced, “Yeah, you’re right.” She went and changed into a dark blue top.
As we walked to the car, I told her she looked good in jeans.
“Thank mom, I think I got her butt.”
I laughed at her then gave her a light swat on her ass as a tease.
The food was good and Beth had quite the appetite, I let her order whatever she could handle. When we got home I sat on the couch and she flopped down to lay with her head in my lap, looking up at me.
“Dad”
“Yeah honey?”
“We went on another date, does that mean we can… be close again?”
I looked down at her eyes and I knew she really wanted another moment, “You feel up to that..?”
“Yes, we didn’t get to finish last time, I want to do that with you.”
“Did you want to wait until bedtime or..?”
She sat up and turned as she held out her hand to me, “Let’s go.”
Her clothes didn’t fly away like last time. We watched each other undress and then got onto the bed. We shared some kisses and she reached down to take me in hand. It was a few weeks since we were last together and her touch was quick to bring me erect. As soon as I was ready, so was she. She got onto me and sat straight up as she pressed down into me, She put her hands on my chest for support and began rocking her hips. She already had a sense for how things were going to be in this position, she closed her eyes and tilted her head back as she delved deep in the feeling of pleasure coming from her groin.
Back at the doctor’s office after the six weeks. Beth had to fill out an extensive questionnaire in regard to all the things she experienced during her initial drug trial. They sat her at a computer terminal and it took her an hour to fill in all the details.
Then we went to talk with the doctor again. He ordered full blood tests to check everything we’d ever heard of and some things that we didn’t. They had a full lab on site, and after another couple of hours in the waiting room they came and asked for one more thing, a urine sample.
Once we were with the doctor again to review the results he told us what they knew.
“We checked for as much as we could and something popped up, it was the reason why we asked for the urine sample, just for confirmation. Beth is pregnant.”
Our eyes widened at that news.
“We’re not sure how that’s going to affect things but we are certain that the baby will never come to term, the chemo meds will cause some cellular damage that will prevent that. We feel it best if we just go in now and remove the fetus.”
I looked at Beth and she shook her head, I supported her decision. “I think we’re going to wait on that.
Beth’s birthday came shortly after her second round of drugs. I took her out for a date, but she wasn’t up to being close again even though she wanted it.
When it was time for the third round of drugs there was a problem, the meds were rare and none were available. We went home and wondered what we were going to have to deal with next. They stopped the other treatments because they knew they weren’t effective, the only benefit of that was that she wasn’t losing her hair. But to have nothing for her was worrisome, no treatments at all meant the cancer could run rampant and take her much sooner than we expected. Her bad days were becoming frequent, it didn’t take too long before it was every day that she was weak and pained.
“Dad… help.”
I heard her voice over the monitor and ran to her room. She was struggling with labored breathing, sucking in as much air as she could.
“What do you need?”
“I don’t know, I’m… I’m going to faint…”
She drew in one deep breath, trying to have some measure of control over what she was feeling and then she quit breathing all together.
I kneeled there next to her bed and looked at her motionless body, I checked for a pulse and there was none. I stayed there next to her and cried. The tears ran down my face and fell onto her blanket. I brushed her face with my fingertips and moved close to hold her, when I pulled back, her cheek was wet from my tears. I rubbed at my eyes, the tears of pain stung so bad I could barely see.
“You beautiful girl, you didn’t deserve this. You’re so wonderful.”
I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to get up to call the coroner to come pick up her body. I adjusted her blanket and brushed her hair back to make it look like she was sleeping, When I got to the door I spun back around when I heard her suck in a long, deep, shuddering breath. I ran back to her and saw her open her eyes.
“Dad, what happened?”
I started crying again and could barely get my answer out, “You died honey.”
“How long was I… gone?”
In real time it had to have been four minutes. To me it felt like the full four years that I had gone through this with Marilyn and Beth. “It was a couple of minutes, you weren’t breathing and you didn’t have a pulse.”
“Dad?” there was a sound of wonder in her voice. “I saw mom. She was healthy and smiling. She told me that I was going to come back, to be with you. She told me to tell you something, she said, ‘The moon is always full, it’s the shadow of the Earth that tricks us into seeing something else.’ What does that mean?”
I stared at her, there’s no way she could have known those words, “It’s something your mother once said to me while we were talking about how people perceive things.” Thoughts ran wild through my mind, and my wondering had no end as to if she really died, but the story of her mother…
“Am I going to be okay?”
“I have no idea honey, but I want you to sleep next to me for the rest of the night.” She nodded her head in agreement as she let me pick her up.
The next morning, we went straight to her doctor’s office, we didn’t have an appointment and I didn’t care, I wanted to know what happened to her. Once they heard about the night before they made room to see her. Not unexpected that the doctor ordered a full battery of tests again, including an MRI.
“We don’t know exactly what’s happened,” her doctor told us,” but all of her blood values are different.”
“Different how?”
“They’re approaching normal, and we can’t explain it. She hasn’t had enough of the new drugs to have this much of an impact.”
His phone rang and he checked the number, he saw it was from inside the building and asked to take it. He heard what was being said, “Are you sure? Check again.” When he hung up the phone he had more information, “She’s in remission, they checked the results three times.”
“How?” was the only thing we could ask.
He shook his head. He picked up his phone again and called an extension, “Bring your equipment to my office.”
We waited a short while and a tech wheeled in a cart, I knew what it was, they were going to do an ultrasound.
“Beth isn’t showing much considering her time of pregnancy, we want to do a check.”
They got her onto an examination table and had her open her jeans to perform the viewing of the fetus.
“This child hasn’t grown at all, it may be something to be concerned about. We’re going to recommend again to go in and remove it.”
Beth shook her head no once more and I stood by her decision.
Time went by and the new meds still weren’t being shipped. Beth started having more good days than bad. We took advantage of that to play and go out on dates, and then to share ourselves with each other when we got home.
The New Year passed and we went back to her doctor, they did all the tests and repeated the ultrasound to find her pregnancy hadn’t changed. They did some more tests.
“We still don’t know what has happened with Beth,” Doctor Farin summarized their findings, “she’s still in remission and we know the fetus is still viable but hasn’t developed at all. The best we can surmise is that the growth hormones from the fetus have had some kind of positive impact on her, we saw higher than normal levels of the hormones in her blood.”
They didn’t have a term for her and her gestation condition, they coined the phrase ‘static pregnancy’ to identify the unique situation of the fetus not developing at all while remaining viable.
We went back to the doctor on a monthly basis, each time she showed more progress, and they finally declared her cancer free after our fourth visit.
Beth was fully back to her old self, she even came out to chop wood with me in the mornings and we took turns splitting the cut sections.
One morning Beth called me to her bathroom, “Dad?” It wasn’t a question, or a cry for help, she sounded uncertain.
I found her sitting on the toilet, she parted her legs to show me that the water was full of blood and clots.
“Dad, I’m scared, what’s going on?”
I knew what it was, a miscarriage.
She stayed seated there until she was sure everything passed. She came out to find me and wrapped her arms around me, “Dad, I’m afraid.”
So was I. If the pregnancy was what affected her condition, what would happen now that she’d miscarried? If her cancer came back, we’d be out of options, standard treatments did nothing for her and the new drugs were still out of reach.
“What are we going to do?” she asked.
“I don’t know, we’ll just take it day by day.”
Beth kept feeling good, the days we waited turned into weeks and months. The cancer never came back.
At one point, I had to ask the question, “Have you considered plans for your life? School, or a career?”
“I’ve thought on it a little,” she told me, “and I’m not sure yet of anything except one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I want to stay here with you.” She gave me a resolute look and told me her thoughts, “I love you dad, not just family love, but deep love. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone that will care for me the way you have, and I don’t want to go and leave you here alone, you deserve more and I want to give it to you.”
I had already realized the things she was saying, I was in love with her too. I didn’t even balk when she said she wanted to stay.
“I’d love to have you here with me,” I told her, “but there’s one thing we must do.”